Free Resources

Feelings & Needs Vocabulary Lists

Two elements of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model are feelings and needs. My experience is and research shows that our feelings and needs vocabulary tends to be limited.  Sadly, when we don’t know how to own our feelings and needs, others tend to hear what we say as demands or criticisms.

When we share what we are feeling and needing instead of what we think of others, we’re more likely to be heard.  Consider the following example, which also incorporates the two other elements of the NVC model, namely observations and requests. Which message would you rather hear?

Message without NVC: Your work is not up to standard and I can’t rely on you to do what’s needed. (diagnosis/criticism)

Message with NVC, in two different contexts: 

(At Work) When I looked at your proposal for the widget X project, I did not see a detailed budget that included a 2-year cash-flow analysis for slow, medium, and accelerated growth (observation). I want clarity (need) about all the costs so that we can make an informed decision on whether to launch X this fall or to refine our design. Can you add those budget details and have the revised budget to my by noon this Friday so that we can present it to the team at the meeting on Monday? (request)  Note: We might leave out feelings, depending on the work culture.

(At Home) I was surprised (feeling) when I saw some spinach and sauce on the inside of the pan on the drying rack (observation). I worry about us cooking with pans that have dried food stuck to the sides because I want us all to stay healthy (need). Could you rewash that pan, tonight? (request)

If you would like to broaden your feelings and needs vocabulary, here are two free resources. You may use these personally or professionally, as long as you keep the attributions in place.